throw

father's day 2005

hi dad, happy farver's day. well done on being a dad, the proud farver of so many and so great. it is funny to think that nearly every second email explains the trauma and chaos that goes on at home and i wonder where i am and why is it so quiet here. it must have worn years and years off us all to carry on to the extremes we do. and why are we not like other families. and where is dow in all that. and are my mothers false teeth gone and worn away again just as they were gone and worn away by her wedding day. and here i am. gaijin in japan worrying and wondering whether you are all okay down there at the bottom of the world at the bottom of my heart. and yet it is what i want. to yell and scream down a hallway, a runway, in an ear that cowers, to a person that feels and fights back harder.

i am tired of the complacency here, if you have something to say. go hide in a dark concrete corner deep in this concrete cavity, deep in the city's halitosis stink. no. go deeper and make yourself very small, insignificant, shove your fist in your mouth, bite hard and say those things nobody will hear but only if you must. else go back to the people, fall in, march in your glitzy suicidal heels, search for another label, another motif, the one that defines you, the one that sets you aside with all the others who found themselves on the same shelf you found you. keep marching and keep that little worm inside you. dont dare even humour it. paste your face and bat your eyes. pretend it is just a dream that there is another way - it is much prettier in a dream. everybody loves a pretty dream. this is me today. tomorrow i will see something different.